Now that I’ve bought and watched all three seasons, I can
rate them. Of course, I never would have
bought them had I not already been a fan.
Here, then, are my top 25, which is nearly half of the episodes
made. Some of them are two-parters, and
one is even a three-parter, split up between The Six Million Dollar Man and The
Bionic Woman shows. You’ll note that
most of these favorites are weighted towards the first two seasons, and aside
from the very last episode, my favorites from the third season (all three of
them, ha!) center around Max, the bionic dog that was introduced. That’s because it’s not such a bad
idea, and had some potential. You
may also discover that, with just one exception, that the ten episodes I named
as the worst are all from the third season!
This is why it was, by far, the worst season of the series, and why you can’t really blame it all on the bionic dog stories.
1.
The Bionic Woman I & II
The episodes of The Six Million Dollar Man that started
it all! Bionic astronaut Steve Austin
hooks up with an old flame, tennis star Jaime Sommers, rekindles his feelings
for her, and then tragedy strikes when she’s in a skydiving accident! Steve convinces his boss Oscar Goldman to
spend the money to make her bionic as well.
Now he has someone to run with across the countryside at 60 mph! However, tragedy strikes again when Jaime
rejects her bionics and dies! Well, this
IS episodic television! They can’t have
a character like that messing up the format of the show!
2.
The Return of the Bionic Woman I & II
When “The Bionic Woman” episodes of
The Six Million Dollar Man aired, the
ratings went through the roof! So the
powers that be decided she needed to be resurrected. Her last appearance ended with her death, so
the writers had to start there! Lo and
behold, and unbeknownst to Steve and the viewing audience, shortly after she
died, a brilliant specialist named Michael came up with a miracle cure. It worked, and in this two-parter, Steve
finds out about it. Yet Jaime lost her
memory and doesn’t remember him. A trip
to their old home town of Ojai, California does the trick, but then she starts
to remember her bionic rejection and death.
After almost bungling an assignment with Steve, she decides it’s best if
they part ways.
3.
Welcome Home Jaime I & II
Jaime gets her own series with this
two-parter: Oscar sets her up as a
teacher at an Air Force base, and then sends her on her first mission
investigating an old friend and businessman Carlton Harris, who might just be
trading in government secrets!
4.
Angel of Mercy
The first actual episode of The Bionic Woman completely separate
from The Six Million Dollar Man paved
the way for many of the show’s strengths.
Jaime is sent on a mission to a South American country to rescue a U.S
Ambassador and his family. Guest star
Andy Griffith, as gruff helicopter pilot Jack Starkey, doesn’t understand why this
frail young woman is sent on such a dangerous assignment, and dogs her every
step of the way. Before the end, though,
she shows him what she is really capable of, as not only a bionic OSI agent,
but also a woman, and Starkey changes his tune by the end of the episode. This was followed up with guest starring
roles by Donald O’Conner in the light-hearted episode “A Thing of the Past” and
Tippi Hedren showing up next in “Claws,” and in my opinion, loading their
episodes down with some movie and TV stars was probably a great way to get the whole thing rolling!
5.
Bionic Beauty
This is a personal favorite. When we were kids, we had a lot of fun with
an old tape recorder, and my brother and I redid this episode on a cassette tape
with lots of great jokes! This was the
first of a series of episodes where Jaime goes undercover. Here, she is Ms. California in a beauty
pageant, all to catch the MC trying to smuggle a computer chip.
6.
Jaime’s Mother
It’s soap opera territory when Jaime’s
real mother shows up, and Jaime can’t resist showing off her bionics. But is it really her mother, a former spy for
the government, or an old imposter and look-alike? Whoever she is, she’s on the run, and may
just decide to sell Jaime and her bionics to the highest bidder!
7.
Fly Jaime
Jaime goes undercover as a
stewardess to protect Dr. Rudy Wells, the medical genius who made both her and
Steve bionic. With renegade agents
about, things only get worse when the plane crashes on an island!
8.
The Jailing of Jaime
More than any other, this just may
be the definitive episode of the first season.
It is well written, with a lot of action, and a lot of chances for Jaime
to use what Oscar and Rudy gave her when she is set up as a patsy after an item
she delivered turns up missing.
9.
Mirror Image
A light-hearted, comedic episode
that still packs a dramatic punch!
Wagner pulls double duty as Jaime, on vacation and abducted and left for
dead so that her double, Lisa Galloway, can take her place. Wagner does a tremendous job playing both
Jaime and Lisa, including the tricky performance of Lisa pretending to be
Jaime, and later Jaime attempts to get the bottom of it all by pretending to be
Lisa. When they both wind up in the same
place, it’s both exciting and rather funny!
10. The Ghost Hunter
Some of the first season episodes
were okay, but rather forgettable, such as “The Deadly Missiles,” “Winning Is
Everything,” and “Canyon of Death”. This
one is slightly more interesting. In
“The Ghost Hunter”, Jaime tries to get to the bottom of spooky occurrences
surrounding an OSI scientist and his daughter Amanda, played by Kristy
McNichol. When the ghost is uncovered to
be Amanda’s subconsciousness revealed through telekenesis, and she sees Jaime
as a threat to her relationship with her father, Jaime must use all her bionic
strength to combat Amanda’s powerful mind.
11. The Return of
Bigfoot I & II
Season two began with this
two-parter that was started on The Six
Million Dollar Man. Stephanie Powers
and Sandy Duncan guest star as two aliens previously introduced on Lee Major’s
show in which Bigfoot was revealed to be an alien robot, here played by Ted
Cassidy of Addams Family fame
(Lurch). A splinter group from the alien
camp is misusing the Sasquatch, and when Steve suffers from severe radiation
poisoning, Jaime must go up against the large, shaggy automaton. The whole thing is silly kid’s stuff, of
course, but while Major’s plays it straight, Wagner’s more light-hearted,
humorous touch suited the material much better!
12. In This Corner,
Jaime Sommers
Jaime goes undercover as a female
wrestler to catch a group of them dealing with foreign agents, including Mr.
Roper from Three’s Company (Norman
Fell)!
13. Assault on the
Princess
It’s danger on the high seas when
Jaime goes undercover on a luxury cruise ship as a stowaway with mad card
dealing skills. There, she romances the
captain, tries to find some missing, and very valuable and volatile, energy
cells, and is humorously pursued amorously by Vito Scotti as Romero, a comical
Italian character introduced in the episode “Fly Jaime”.
14. Road to Nashville
Hoyt Axton guest stars as country
singer Buck Buckley. The OSI puts
Jaime’s bionic hearing to good use as she goes undercover as an aspiring up and
coming female country singer to find out how secret messages are being
delivered to foreign agents through Buck’s music.
15. Kill Oscar I, II
& III
This is the silly but fun three-parter
that introduced the menacing Fembots, used years later by none other than
Austin Powers! John Houseman plays the
insane Dr. Franklin, who begins infiltrating OSI headquarters with duplicates
of Rudy’s and Oscar’s secretaries, Lynda Rosand and Peggy Callahan, all in
order to get his hands on a weather control machine for world domination. Dr. Evil would be so proud! Jaime is severely injured when she fights the
Fembots of Lynda and Callahan, and Steve Austin joins in during the second hour
on his show, and has a big knock-down, drag-out with a robot made to look like
Oscar. In the end, Steve and Jaime risk
life and limb at Franklin’s South American facility, fighting hurricane
conditions and Fembots in order to save the captured Oscar, Lynda, and
Callahan.
16. Black Magic
Another funny episode, this one has
an all star cast! The inventor of a top
secret formula dies, and one of his family members puts it on the black
market. While the family gathers at his
remote island estate for the reading the will, Jaime goes undercover as a
distant relative in order to get her hands on the formula. The rest of the family members are a bunch of
cutthroat goons, and the cast includes Vincent Price as both the deceased man
and his loathsome brother, William Windom, Julie Newmar, Abe Vigoda, and
Hermione Baddeley.
17. Sister Jaime
In this satisfying episode, Jaime
goes undercover in a convent in order to catch smugglers exchanging diamonds
for heroin. Once the Mother Superior and
the rest of the nuns find out about what is going on right under their noses,
they help Jaime carry out her mission.
18. Doomsday is
Tomorrow I & II
Perhaps the best episode of the
entire series, even if it is derivative of 2001: A Space Odyssey! In
order to force peace upon the world, a brilliant scientist develops a bomb that
will destroy the world, and it will be deployed any time it detects evidence of
nuclear testing. Unperturbed by this
threat, the Russians test a nuclear warhead, setting off a chain reaction. When the scientist dies, Jaime must use all
her bionic skill to battle the facility’s defenses, controlled by the calm and
logical supercomputer ALEX7000, in order to stop the countdown to Armageddon! This one is quite thrilling and thought
provoking from beginning to end!
19. Deadly Ringer I
& II
Jaime finds herself in the middle
of a total nightmare! Not only is Jaime
Sommers look-alike Lisa Galloway back, but Jaime is abducted, drugged, and put
in Lisa’s cell. Lisa and her benefactor,
Dr. Courtney, believes that the source of Jaime’s strength is an unstable drug
called Adrenalizine, and Lisa plays courier for Dr. Courtney, stealing more of
this substance for him, and taking it herself. While Lisa
begins taking over Jaime’s life, Jaime can’t seem to convince anyone, not even
Oscar, who she really is, and must attempt a prison break in a drugged state
before a scheduled plastic surgery would give her Lisa’s old face. Meanwhile, Lisa begins feeling the fatal side
effects of the drug she is taking, and Jaime must eventually have a showdown
with her to save them both!
20. Jaime and the
King
Many of the season two episodes
were rather blasé or unremarkable, including “The Vega Influence” (which is
merely one step away from being downright bad), the substandard and unexciting
two-parter “Jaime’s Shield,” the heavy-handed “Biofeedback” that uses decidedly
eastern spiritualistic ideas Lindsay Wagner is into, “Beyond the Call,” and
“Iron Ships and Dead Men.” This one,
“Jaime and the King,” is only slightly better.
Jaime goes undercover as the private tutor of a young Prince from a
Middle Eastern country, secretly hired to be his protector. The boy, played by Lance Kerwin, seems
smitten, yet both he and his father treat Jaime as a second class citizen since
she is a woman. In the end, she proves
to them she is far more than just a woman!
21. The DeJon Caper
This one and “Once a Thief” pair
Jaime up with comedic con-men. Of the
two, I preferred this one a little bit more, probably due to the writing, the
location in France, and René Auberjonois (Odo from Star Trek: Deep Space Nine), who here plays art forger Pierre
Lambert. Sent to help Jaime capture the
man paying Pierre to forge art for him, he amusingly tries to give Jaime the
slip several times, but eventually comes to realize she is too smart, and fast,
for him!
22. The Bionic Dog I
& II
This two-parter that begins the
third season introduces the bionic dog, Maxamillion, and it’s not an altogether
bad concept, especially the way it is introduced. Max is a prototype Rudy created, a German
Shepherd who Rudy estimates is going through some weird new form of bionic
rejection. Playing the bad guy in this
instance, he plans to euthanize Max and perform an autopsy to find out what the
problem is. Jaime develops an instant
connection with Max, comes to realize he is merely depressed, and when neither
Rudy nor Oscar is willing to listen, she goes on the run and takes Max with
her. Eventually, she discovers that his
erratic behavior is caused by his dislike of fire, since it was a fire that
injured him to begin with. In the end,
Max runs straight into a forest fire, and Jaime and her old flame Roger, now a
Forest Ranger, go looking for him. Max
must eventually conquer his fear of fire to save Jaime and Roger before they
die of smoke inhalation.
23. Max
This one shows what a whole series
centered around Max might have been like.
Max is being cared for by Valerie, an OSI scientist, and her nephew
Bobby, played by Christopher Knight (Peter from The Brady Bunch). In order
to learn the secret of stable bionics, foreign agents attempt to kidnap
Max. When Valerie and Bobby get in their
way, the foreign agents plan to dispose of them. Can Max use his bionics to save them all?
24. Which One Is
Jaime?
Another Max episode, this is the
only other one to use this concept to positive effect, and this time, Jaime and
Callahan are involved. While Callahan is
dog-sitting for Jaime, kidnappers mistake her for Jaime, thinking she is bionic
and worth a fortune to foreign buyers.
Just when they begin to suspect they’ve got the wrong woman, Max shows
up, displaying bionic skill, and giving them a new target. Using Callahan as a lure, they manage to
capture the real Jaime Sommers. Now Max
must save them all once again!
25. On the Run
This was a great way to end the
entire series, but it was, unfortunately, bungled, showing once and for all the
low quality that had invaded the third season!
While on assignment to protect the daughter of a diplomat, Jaime’s
bionic arm is injured with exposed wires, and scaring the little girl to
tears. When the little girl later calls
Jaime “The Robot Lady,” Jaime decides it’s time for her to leave the OSI. Oscar is more than willing to allow this, but
the government then decides that Jaime can never leave: She knows too many
government secrets, is herself government property, and as a civilian, would be
in too much danger from government enemies intent on kidnapping a bionic agent. When they come to put her into a special
compound for retired agents, she makes a run for it and is branded a
fugitive. In the end, she caves and
works out a deal.
The Bottom Ten:
1.
The Night Demon
Horribly bad special effects and
Indian spiritual mumbo-jumbo severely mar this otherwise forgettable dud from
the second season. Jaime’s rancher
friend, Thomas Bearclaw, is menaced by some half-animal demon after discovering
some ancient carving on his property.
Effects like the one in this picture were used to obscure the bad
projection of a guy in an animal costume.
Scooby Doo, Where Are You?
2.
Fembots In Las Vegas I & II
The last thing this series needed
was to bring back the Fembots, especially with a plot like this, having to do
with Fembot chorus girls negotiating with some scientist confined to a sterile environment about some energy ray
weapon he had developed. Turns out the
man behind the Fembots this time is the disgruntled son of John Houseman’s
Franklin, and Jaime discovers in the end that he too was actually a Fembot…
Robot… whatever!
3.
Motorcycle Boogie
An attempt at stunt casting in this
one only managed to show how horrible of an actor Evel Knievel really is! Wagner does what she cans to salvage this
episode, and there’s some cute dialogue and okay bike stunts, but it’s not
nearly enough.
4.
Escape to Love
The writers and producers did a
pretty good job at the beginning of the third season placing Jaime in some
interesting hours of television. These
episodes are okay, but don’t really stand out either. Episodes such as “Rodeo,” “African
Connection,” “Brain Wash,” “Over the Hill Spy,” “All for One,” “Long Live the
King,” and “Rancho Outcast” are neither great, nor horrible. “Escape to Love” could have been just like
them as Jaime goes behind the Iron Curtain to rescue the teenage son of a
defector, except that the son, Sandor, played by Mitchell Laurance, is such a
wishy-washy, love-struck, starry-eyed, brain-dead “damsel in distress,” the
episode actually winds up at the top of the worst list for this pathetic
character alone! In at least three
instances, he either spinelessly freezes or deliberately gives himself over to
the Russians to be used as a pawn, making Jaime’s job almost impossible,
despite her attempts at useless pep-talks.
5.
The Pyramid
Jaime and her new boyfriend Chris
end up in some underground cavern where some ancient alien, who is actually an
old man in a tunic using a small, brain-shaped crystal, is trying to contact
his spaceship, and is telepathically commanding some sort of supernatural Inca
Warrior to battle with the bionic babe.
Jinkies, it’s bad! It looks like an episode of Land of the Lost!
6.
The Antidote
Although some of the best episodes
of the third season may surprisingly center around the bionic dog, this one
shows that this was also not a sure thing.
Jaime and a Russian diplomat are poisoned, and it’s up to new boyfriend
Chris and Max to find an antidote, and expose and subdue the bad guys. The writing and editing are atrocious!
7.
The Martians Are Coming, The Martians Are Coming
More excruciatingly awful special
effects tarnish this episode that already had problems! When Oscar sees Rudy abducted by a UFO, Jaime
uncovers the truth. It’s a holographic
projection over a helicopter. Aside from
the horrible, unexciting storyline, just imagine how ridiculous this might look
even if they had the money to afford some half-way decent effects. Then consider that they didn’t! It looks like Saturday morning television; remember Shazam and Isis?
8.
Sanctuary Earth
A young Helen Hunt – you heard that
right, Helen Hunt, of Mad About You
and As Good As It Gets – plays
Princess Aura from the planet Zorla, who tries to hide from inter-galactic
hunters by shrinking herself down to fit inside a small Earth space
satellite. Jaime is the first one at the
crash site, and Princes Aura convinces Jaime of her story by shrinking down and
standing next to the telephone receiver and waving to her. Then mute, alien hunters show up, played by
those identical twins from Hee-Haw,
and capture them in a bionic-proof force field (darn!). Then it’s Max to the rescue, using his bionic
jaw to crush the device causing the force field, and helping Jaime get rid of
the Hee-Haw twins and save alien
Helen Hunt! Need I say more as to why
this is one of the worst?
9.
Deadly Music
Right after the success of Jaws, I believe they had a meeting with
the studio that went something like this:
“Yeah, yeah, well, did you see that killer shark picture? That thing made a hundred million dollars! People love killer shark stuff! Do a story about killer sharks! You can’t miss!” So they stuck a few stunt people in scuba
gear and shot them in some murky water, got a few close-ups of the divers with
some sharks, cut in some more footage of sharks swimming around, included a
close-up or two of a bionic punch to a shark head, and then dubbed in some ADR
from Wagner and the other actors. And voila!
A piece of crap!
10. Out of Body
Did we really need even more Indian
spiritual mumbo-jumbo? When Tommy
Littlehorse, a new Native American boyfriend of Jaime’s, is electrocuted and
slips into a coma, his wandering spirit visits Jaime and helps her solve the
mystery surrounding his electrocution. Somehow, I get the feeling even Native American Indians would be appalled at the story-line.
