It almost seems as if my life is a dream sometimes, not real, but synthetic. I don’t know how to explain it other than I feel like I’m just going through the motions of existing, rather than actually existing, and I wonder, “Is this how insanity starts?” I’m already eccentric!
I’m falling into that same old trap of low self-esteem and paranoia, but I have been around long enough to have seen my fears about what people really think of me come to horrifying light. And I already know I shouldn't live to try to please others and make them like me; in fact, I probably don’t really, or I would have changed by now. But when someone I love reveals that he is embarrassed of me sometimes, it hurts.
Reading people successfully is difficult and can be either rewarding or painful, because sometimes you read them correctly, and sometimes you don’t. As skilled as you might be in perceiving truth or deception in another person, you can still never be sure about that person and what they are thinking, leaving our relationships open to all kinds of faulty assumptions that aren't always accurate, and may not actually be what they really think, say, or do.
It may hurt me somewhat to be an “outsider,” but there is also happiness to be found here; yes, even here! This is who I am. If strange and eccentric are part of the package, then so be it! I can be an adult, and I can be serious. This very self-reflective entry is a perfect example. But I’m also happy that there is still an innocent child within me. This is the type of quality that is a double-edged sword as an adult; it makes me an outsider, but it also makes me different and unique, and I should be content with the knowledge that I’m not like everybody else, and don’t run with the crowd.
So why do I struggle with this issue so much?
I don’t feel like I really need an awful lot of humility since I already have a low self-esteem, and I usually need all the compliments I can possibly get, even if it gives me a swelled head from time to time. For instance, my older brother said he was “worried” over the fact that I had read The Biology of Star Trek, and he didn't want their liberally slanted world view to infect me. To prove to him that I still had a good perspective on things, and was actually discerning towards my entertainments, I read to him my passage from this very journal in which I describe how I feel about the book and its author and my comparisons between Evolution and Creation using the holographic Doctor from Voyager. He said he didn't want to give me a swelled head or anything, but that my writing was as intelligent as anything else he had ever heard or read. I am so flattered, yet I also know that the intellectual elite would probably think nothing of my writing and philosophy. Am I wrong to think the common man would not understand it? That’s one reason why Star Trek is mostly enjoyed by Science Fiction geeks; people, in general, don’t understand it the way I or other trekkers do, nor do they want to. And let’s face it: A lot of trekkers are geeks, even by MY standards!
From my journal, March, 1999
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